The fight in me!!

Why? Why is it so hard to do the right thing sometimes? I try and strive to be the right mother, wife and friend, I try to put myself aside to do nice things for people, even when it is inconvenient, and yet when I am attacked, my flesh right off the bat wants to retaliate!!

Tonight I was tested, I am trying so hard to be obedient to the Holy Spirit, and every night I ask God to please search my heart and please change the offensive ways in me! Well this evening was a test and I did good...there were things I sure could have done better or said a bit sweeter but all in all I feel really good, I bit my tongue, I refrained from all of the things I "really" wanted to say to make that person hurt too, but I didn't. I shed a few tears because my pride was hurt, but I feel good in my heart for knowing I can walk away from the conversation without hitting below the belt!

I struggle with wanting to be good enough...not with everyone or even with every area of my life, but I really want those close to me to be proud. I desire for my parents to be proud of the woman and mother I am becoming, I want my kids to be proud of the mom they have, and I want my husband to be proud of me too. I am so thankful that I have a Father who is proud of me right where I am, he loves me at this point in my life, with all of my faults and flaws. I say this only to be more like Him, to love the people in my life in this very way, to really think of others before my own wants and needs. Especially in my marriage. I want to love Paul the way God intended, and I think for me that will take some work, not because Paul isn't a wonderful man, cause he is, but because I am so selfish that I still try to "win" arguments and silly things like that! Where I am blinded by my own flesh and not being led my the things I know to be true!

This may not make sense to all, but it feels better to be honest and just get it out there. I am a work in progress, and hopefully, God willing I will be progressing until the day I die!